The Actor Metaphor: Life as a Performance

The Paradox of Unconscious Motives and Conscious Desires. A Double Life?

Jan 21, 2025

At the speed at which the world travels today, it has become almost impossible to remember that we are all actors. The world is still a “stage”. For centuries, we have been inventing roles to give meaning to our lives and survive with vitality and strength.

The moment they are born, human beings learn to act and make up their world as they see fit. Some play-act seamlessly and with precision, while others perform erratically and carelessly?

We embody these necessary characters imperceptibly: husband, wife, friend, lover, employee, executive, head of department, political activist, columnist, waiter, salesperson, talk show guest, business owner, TV host, president, sister, brother, manager, mistress, client, customer, only child, grandfather, grandmother, etc.

However, inside these archetypes, are a multitude of subsurface behavioral patterns that are not as easily spotted. We exist at two levels. One is conscious and the other unconscious. It can create confusion and surprises because our conscious self has no awareness of what the unconscious does and portrays. For instance, your “unconscious and therefore unknown” archetype might be “the bossy or the overbearing”, but you are the employee or secretary to the real boss in the company who happens to be “the timid” as an archetype. Many issues and problems can arise from such a predicament, especially if the two concerned individuals are unaware of the actual dynamics at play.

The Actor Metaphor

Simply put, what we intend to portray “consciously” is often betrayed by what we are busy demonstrating unconsciously. What we think and believe we are doing ends up being an illusion. The unconscious archetype always rules. Quite often, it is people around you that notice what you are really engaged in doing—they experience your unconscious role. Take, for instance, the archetype of the “unconscious predator”—a person who might think of themselves as submissive, accommodating, and averse to conflict, yet whose actions betray an obvious need for control and domination. This individual will subconsciously manipulate outcomes, assert abusive behaviors in covert ways, all while consciously clinging to the narrative of being a team player. The result? Relationships ruined by misaligned expectations and unspoken power struggles, perpetuating a cycle of mistrust and pain.

Dilemma or Irony?

So, the question becomes “what are the archetypes that we are truly embodying and in what situations? Moreover, with whom? Secondly, what are the archetypes that are "playing" us without our knowledge? Take a look at this short list of unconscious roles people “act out” without awareness:

The martyr, the complainer, the rival, the cry-baby, the stubborn, the winner, the flirt, the indifferent, the ruler, the judge, the seducer, the loser, the therapist, the expert, the authoritarian, the philosopher, the dreamer, the missionary, the underdog, the fanatic, etc.

Behavior Modifiers

The Actor Metaphor extends beyond the theatrical realm and explores the various behavior modifiers at play within our daily interactions. It demonstrates how we adapt, transform, and align ourselves with the circumstances, relationships, and roles we encounter from others, and act ourselves. By examining this metaphor in detail, we can gain insights into the fluidity of our identities and the connection between our internal and external worlds—both consciously and unconsciously.

I invite you to consider that all of life is an expression of behavior and language in action. At our core, we are physical-emotional beings, deeply rooted in sensations and instinctual responses that predate language. Our emotional and physical states are the first and most immediate impressions we make on others, resonating far more viscerally than words. Long before we articulate our thoughts, we embody them, projecting our inner moods and states of mind outward in ways that profoundly determine how we are perceived.

1-The Influence of Circumstances

Circumstances shape behavior as powerfully as a director shapes a play. From an anniversary dinner to a police lineup, from a wedding toast to a baseball game interrupted by rain, our surroundings act as behavior modifiers. An unexpected rainstorm at a baseball game doesn’t just happen; it acts upon us, prompting us to seek shelter, adapt our plans, or even bond with strangers over shared inconvenience. The rain influences us; we do not influence the rain. This dynamic underscores how deeply circumstances dictate our actions.

Developing awareness about the situations we encounter can be transformative. In public speaking, for instance, understanding the invisible, artificial dimensions of the performance—such as the audience's expectations and the setting's constraints—can diminish self-consciousness. Techniques like employing "as ifs" (e.g., "as if I were talking to a close friend" or "as if I had been doing this all my life") enable us to align with our circumstances consciously and confidently. These tools replicate what we do subconsciously in life, empowering us to navigate unfamiliar situations with ease and transparency.

2-The Power of Suggestive “As Ifs”

Suggestion governs behavior more than we often realize. Every moment is influenced by implicit or explicit "as ifs," shaping our responses and self-perception. When a glass breaks, our reaction might range from "as if it’s nothing" to "as if it’s a catastrophe" or “as if I can’t do anything right.” These mental scripts dictate how we interpret and respond to events, often without our conscious awareness.

By harnessing positive "as ifs," we can shift our internal narrative and, consequently, our external behavior. This principle applies universally, from mundane tasks to high-stakes events. For instance, feeding oneself empowering "as ifs"—such as “as if this client can’t wait to hear what I have to say”—can dramatically enhance communication effectiveness and self-assurance. Conversely, when preparing for a job interview, we might unconsciously act "as if" we are under interrogation, causing nervousness and defensiveness. Shifting to an empowering "as if"—like “as if” the interviewer is an old friend you haven’t seen in a long time—can trigger our relaxed demeanor and make the interaction far more engaging.

Another example is walking into a room full of strangers at a networking event. Acting "as if" we are the celebrated host rather than a guest can alter our body language, tone, and confidence level, encouraging others to approach us with admiration and curiosity. You can become truly creative with “as ifs”. They actually produce authentic behavior, moods and states of mind. And yet, it’s just play-acting.

3-The Significance of Place: Where We Are

Where we physically are profoundly organizes our behavior. Every place—be it a movie theater, conference room, or diner at home—instinctively invokes one of two intentions: staying or leaving. This binary focus influences how we interact with our environment and others within it. For speakers and performers, the act of "staying" rather than "leaving" is a subtle yet powerful anchor. All uncomfortable speeches or presentations you were subject too, have their roots in the speaker being busy “leaving”. The body language of someone "busy leaving" communicates discomfort, disengagement, or fear, undermining credibility and connection.

Mastering the art of "actively staying" commands attention. It demonstrates commitment, encourages engagement, and builds trust. This principle extends beyond performance; in every interaction, demonstrating "staying" signals respect, patience, and attentiveness.

4-Relationship Dynamics

Relationships, whether familial, professional, or societal, are intricate performances influenced by roles and expectations. We often relate to others through subconscious filters, substituting the person before us with someone from our past or projecting assumptions onto them. For instance, an employee may unconsciously treat a boss as a parental figure, or a customer may perceive a service provider through a lens of past experiences with a sibling.

Conflict often arises from these mismatched or undeclared relationship models. Recognizing and clarifying these dynamics can dissolve misunderstandings and enhance interactions. Public speaking anxiety, for example, often stems from reactivating childhood fears of judgment or rejection. By peeling away these relational layers, we reclaim clarity and authenticity in our engagements.

Redefining Identity inside Relationships

At the heart of the Actor Metaphor lies the truth of relationships—both with others and with oneself. Relationships are not fixed constructs; they are dynamic exchanges organized by context, perception, focus, and mutual influence. Each interaction reveals a fragment of ourselves, yet no single relationship captures our entirety. Personas shift based on connection, and each relationship offers a partial, subjective view of who we are. This realization can be both liberating and empowering. As a silly but pertinent example, eating lobster at a table demands different skills and behavior than eating cherries, perched high up on a branch of the cherry tree.

Another interesting insight about role-playing inside relationships is that, according to the person we are with, we literally become someone else. A long time ago, I heard a deep observation from a client and well-known psychiatrist in Los Angeles, she said to me: when we break-up with someone—a lover, a friend, partner or husband—we never actually leave the people we’re with; we leave the role we played inside that relationship. In other words we started to resent who we became with that person and finally decided to quit the role for a new set of focuses and experiences of ourselves. After the initial break-up, it starts to feel amazing to quit playing that role with that person. It may not be obvious at first because we play roles for so long that we forget it is a role—we think that's who we are. People can influence us greatly, they can invite a certain type of focus we did not know existed until we became involved with them. And it works both positively and negatively, with extremes on both sides.

5-The Role of Intentions

Human behavior is equally driven by intentions. To intend is to aim, to focus on a future outcome, and to navigate the obstacles that arise along the way. Every intention carries within it the seeds of negotiation—of adapting to unforeseen challenges and recalibrating strategies. Just as an actor commits to a role with deliberate intention, so too must we approach our endeavors with clarity and purpose. The intersection of intention and negotiation reveals the art of being related. Each action, like a performance, is an opportunity to align our internal vision with external expression.

6-Focus: the Ultimate Absorber

Every role we play carries a focus, appropriate for the relationship and circumstance we are in. If you are a devoted father or mother, everything that concerns parenting and your children is being absorbed through that focus or filter. The focus on certain values and principles will dominate the way you raise your child. A professional thief does the same thing: all information about the person they plan to rob is being assimilated through the role or focus in the mind of the thief.

In times of crisis all is filtered through our survival fears. Negative people are focused on negative “as ifs” and intentions, as well as who is to blame for their feelings. Positive people are focused on more success producing “as ifs”. They don't have a lot of time for blaming.

Change the focus and you’ll change the person and the experience of the person. It is quite an extraordinary thing to grasp. We organize our entire physicality, moods and behaviors around the focus of each role we are engaged in. A good actor manipulates his or her focus in order to slip inside that character's perspectives and feelings. Similarly, good therapy should technically bring about a new focus and behavior while leaving old ones behind.

Perspective is ruled by role-playing and role-playing is an outcome of what focus and as if is at play. Therefore, the art of role-playing is to acknowledge the focus that is ruling the moment and make sure you are aware of what as if you picked.

The Actor Metaphor: an Evolving Performance

The Actor Metaphor invites us to view life as a continuous performance—not in the sense of artificiality, but as a dynamic interplay of adaptation, intention, and self-expression. Circumstances, suggestion, place, intentions, and relationships all act as elements of a greater script, while our intentions and authenticity shape how we deliver our lines. By understanding and embracing our roles, we unlock the potential to navigate life’s stage with grace, authenticity, and confidence.

From that perspective, there is an actor in each and every one of us. Additionally, we all develop various degrees of attachment to the roles we play. There should always be equilibrium between “commitment to” and “detachment from” the roles we play. Detachment helps us maneuver with grace and remember it’s just a role, while commitment keeps us focused and empowers us to stay on track.

Issues or credibility, self-esteem, and self-confidence all stem from the roles we took on or were assigned in childhood. I want to stress that it is often the roles we play that we feel imprisoned by—not the circumstance we’re in. These “acts” carry an emotional component. For instance, victim, oppressor, aggressor, suppressor, bully, abuser, dominator, etc., are all just roles that have spread through our emotional fabric. By recognizing the roles we can: (1) Be aware, (2) Understand, Accept, and Detach, (3) Analyze and Strategize (4) Respond, Let go, or Leave. Too often, we analyze and respond before we understand and have time to detach from what role is at play in the situation.

Protagonist and Antagonist

Every role attracts its opposite; where would drama be without a protagonist and an antagonist? An aggressor or abuser needs a victim and vice-versa. We seldom recognize how much role-playing in its dualistic forms is active in our everyday dealings. Winning, being on top, making it, closing the deal, etc., all depend on good negotiation skills that, in turn, depend on good role-playing.

Self-confidence is intimately connected to the certainty of knowing what role we are playing in a particular situation. Often an emotional role is in competition with a professional role within us. The boss of a large company may not feel comfortable in his or her “boss” role because on an emotional level; he or she feels inadequate due to unfinished or unaddressed childhood trauma. Most people experienced these “breaks in belonging” early in life. A lack of self-confidence is usually traced back to an “incident”, which either forced them or scared them into taking on a victim role.

By becoming more aware and sensitive to role-playing and its powerful impact on our interactions, we can gain valuable insight into workability in any situation. Blaming, complaining, overly controlling behavior, passive aggressive going-against, withholding information, condescending, or resenting, are the usual suspects of antagonistic role-playing. They are frozen forms of expression.

Great Secrets of The Acting Profession

In the Actor Metaphor, I play roles convincingly but I am identified or committed to them as roles or acts, not as who I am in essence. That is essentially what a good actor does: you get into character but when the curtain falls, you get out. You put on a mask but you never forget who put it on.

Here’s the first secret: a great character (the role you play) doesn't know he’s a character. He or she is completely oblivious to the fact that they are acting a persona. Most forms of self-consciousness stem from mixing character and actor. A mediocre actor transforms their ego to act out the part with vanity. They never lose themselves in the role—where the fun is! They mistakenly think that “they” are the character.

Second secret: a character will always be braver than the actor (or person) lending their skills to act the role. This is why a mediocre actor hides behind his ego. Courage belongs to the character and so does the credit for a great performance. Bad actors resent that deeply—they want the credit. Hence, why you will find so many bad actors on stage and in life.

Final Words

Love the Roles You Are Playing. Let them roam freely and with power. We are human beings in a clearly human civilization. It means that as we are all evaluated, scrutinized, and interpreted based on how we conduct ourselves in private, professionally, in public, and in social circles alike, it is absolutely imperative to have fun inside the acts we put on. They’re just roles to make life exciting, nothing more—but make them unforgettable! The journey on earth is not forever—why not have a blast? It is through role-playing that we find fulfillment, joy and success.

Knowing that we are acting all the time, is more than enough to be comfortable and at ease in our own skin. Children have an immense appetite for playing. They instinctively know how to sharpen their characters from an early age.

Later, children are forbidden their creative theatrics, because it is deemed necessary to move on to more “serious” things. From that point on, the school of bad actors begins to the dreadful cadence of conformity and boredom, but without any charm or elegance—let alone eloquence and originality. All mediocrity has its roots in the suppression and banning of creative exploration.

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ABOUT THE AUTHOR

I have learned one elementary truth: people are not their fears, their doubts, or the ridiculous stories running loops in their heads. People are geniuses waiting to explode onto the stage of their destiny. My job is to hand them the match.

I live by a single truth: my brain and body run my life, not my mind. My mind is a precious tool for research, stimulation, creative ideas, and communication with others—not my guide, my guru, my boss, or my friend. Energy inspires me, not thoughts. I wait to move and flow when my instincts kick in. The thinking is in the flow, just like a great wave is always part of the ocean.

I deal in transformation, without apologies. I see people in technicolor. The masterpiece is inside every being. Sometimes I provoke and challenge self-imposed limitations, but my true aim is to nurture, educate, and empower.

Outside of work? I keep my world simple. I cook like a mad scientist, travel to feed my senses, and I play piano. Humor—sharp and unrelenting—is my weapon against the dullness of small talk. I write daily and publish articles about topics that inspire me. I spend countless hours in conversation with my wife, deepening our understanding of life, each other, and the one thing that truly matters: awareness.

I don’t pretend to have all the answers. But I know this: the development of self—especially self-reliance—is the only education that matters, because every decision we make is in fact a direction. It determines the quality of our experiences and their outcome. If there’s a thread that runs through everything I do, it’s this: trust life and trust yourself—it will set you free.

Critical Skills to Empower Your Journey & Light up Your Soul

Since 1989, upon founding the Eric Stone Studio in Los Angeles, I have been coaching professional actors & voice artists, as well as business professionals.

“All Great Outcomes in Life Come from a Paradigm Shift in Perspective.”